Breakdown
by MoonlightGardenias
Summary: On her way to Ian's room, lost and alone, Kendall brings herself together in a stairwell. Kendall centric oneshot, possible SPOILERS if you haven't seen the current episodes.


**Author's Note: So I'm not really sure why I wrote this...but I love Kendall, aside from Alicia herself. While the storyline isn't exactly the best-and this piece doesn't exactly go that much farther, I felt the need to write it. There isn't a ship specifically, more like Kendall angst. Anyway, enjoy-and please leave me a review...I worked hard, and it helps me know what you think.**

**I apoligize to anyone who may or may not like Greenlee in advance, by the way. While I admit I did use to like her...and Sabine is a decent actress, Greenlee hasn't been herself lately. Anyway, on with the story...**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the character of Kendall Hart, the storyline or anyone from All My Children. Trust me, if I did...things would be different.**

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Kendall's hand ran smoothly through Spike's hair as he slept lazily in the hospital crib. _He's deaf. No matter how many times I tell him I love him, he'll never hear me._ The thought ran through her mind as Spike stirred in his sleep. _He doesn't deserve this. Noone deserves this._ "I'll find a way, Spike..."Came her hushed whisper. "...someway." 

She knew Zach was tending to Ian, as he should. He seemed more distant lately, ever since the accident. At first Kendall wanted to believe it was nothing-wanted to believe that maybe it was just his emotions getting the best of him. Still, as she found herself entranced by Spike's sleeping form, Kendall knew the real reason. _I can't leave him..._

"He's still sleeping?"Ryan asked, standing expectantly in the doorway.

Kendall looked at him, nodding sadly. "Yes. I keep thinking he'll wake up and everything will be okay again. I keep thinking Spike will hear me say his name...or tell him I love him."She said as Ryan walked towards them. Kendall shrugged, smiling sadly. "But then I remember he won't."

"It's not something you can get used to."Ryan replied, resting his hand on her shoulder. "I saw Ian..."

"How is he?"Kendall asked, ashamed that she didn't even know how her son was.

"There wasn't that much of a change. Zach was in with him."Ryan said, turning his gaze to Spike. "He looks so peaceful."

Kendal nodded, tears threatening to fall. "You know Zach...he thinks I might be spending too much time with him. He thinks that I should at least go and see Ian."

Ryan shifted his feet awkwardly, knowing it was to be expected. "He told you that?"He asked.

"No, not exactly."Kendal confided. "I mean, he didn't even have to say the words. But everytime he comes in here all he can say is how Spike can't hear and Ian's...Ian's fighting for his life."She said sadly. "How do I choose, Ryan? How do I...how do I choose between my sons? I love them. I love them both, I do. But I can't-I can't choose..."

"You don't have to. Noone's making you choose, Kendall."Ryan replied sadly. "We know how you feel. Noone's asking you to choose between Spike and Ian."

Kendall shook her head defiantly. "You can't say that. Because someone...somewhere would think I'm being a bad mother."

"Why?...Because you're spending time with Spike?"Ryan asked, taking a guess. He saw the look in Kendall's eyes-afraid and confused-and wanted to do something to make her feel better. "Look, I'm here now, okay? If you want I can stay until you come back from seeing Ian."

"I can't do that. I can't leave Spike."Kendall replied, shaking her head. It was then as she clutched the bar of Spike's crib that it hit her. "He was right. Ryan, he was right...I've barely spent any time with my new son while...while I stay here with Spike. Ryan..."

"Kendall...just stay calm. Noone is judging you here, okay? Noone thinks you are spending too much time with our son rather than your newborn. But while he's sleeping, you can go and visit with Ian. I could call you as soon as he wakes up if you wanted me to."Ryan offered, praying it would take some of her pain away.

_He gets it. But still, I can't leave my baby..._ Kendal thought, again shaking her head. "I can't. I can't do it. If...If Spike wakes up and I'm not here, he'll be confused. He'll worry because he can't hear and noone can tell him that I'm visiting his brother. What do I do then, Ryan? What do I do?"

Ryan took a step back, drawing in a deep breath. Throughout the entire time Spike was in the hospital, she hadn't leaned on him or really relied on him for much. Still, as they were alone in Spike's hospital room, he knew that he was the only that could. "You love our son, Kendall. I get that. Spike gets that. Anyone who has been in contact with you these past few days knows that to be a fact. That in no way makes you a bad mother. Spike is deaf...but that doesn't mean he isn't alive. Spike is here, sleeping soundly-and when he wakes up I will tell him I love him...I will tell him that you love him. It won't make you a bad person if you go and see Ian."

Kendall closed her eyes, slowly breathing in and out. _There has to be a way-there just has to. I feel so lost...Spike, Ian...Spike, Ian. What do I do? _She nodded silently. "Okay. I think I can do that."She said, staring at Spike again. "I love him. And when I think about what happened...about how he got here...I can't help but think-but _hope_ that somehow Greenlee will pay."She said, offering a shrug. "She was my best friend. How could she do this?"

"I don't know. We'll find a way."Ryan whispered to her as Annie knocked on the door. "Hey."

"How is he?"Annie asked, afraid of the answer.

"He's sleeping."Kendall replied, wiping at her tears. "So, okay...you two can stay here. You can stay, right?"

"Yes, of course. You're...going to see Ian?"Annie asked, walking towards her and Ryan.

Kendall nodded, sighing. "It's part of being a mother of two. Wish me luck."She said, kissing her hand, placing it gingerly against Spike's cheek. "I love you."She whispered. She turned silently to Ryan and Annie, nodding before turning to leave. "Ryan? Let me know...if anything happens."

Ryan nodded. "Don't worry, I will."

As she made her way down the hallway, Kendall felt her throat tighten. Every step further from Spike, she knew was a step closer to Ian. Still, Kendall knew that she was doing the right thing. She'd barely spent any time out of the hospital, and was aware of how Babe was trying desperately to hold Fusion together. Whenever she had a chance to breathe, Kendall decided she'd thank her. That was if Greenlee was nowhere to be found. _I hate her. I hate Greenlee. I don't want to, she was my sister. She was supposed to be my best friend. _Tired and distracted, Kendall realized that she took a wrong turn along the way to see Ian.

_Where...How did I-_Kendall felt panic rise in her chest at the reality that she was nowhere near either of her boys. She felt as if the hallway was closing in on her, leaving her with no way out. Ducking into the stairwell, Kendall leaned her back against the door, trying to keep her breathing normal. _Breathe. Just count to five, and go see Ian. Everything will be fine._ "Ian needs me. Spike..needs me. Ian is fighting...fighting for his life and Spike's deaf. Spike is deaf because of Greenlee. Because of _her!_"Kendall cried, pounding a fist against the wall.

Sobs erupted from her mouth, cheeks blushing red. "It's not fair. It's not...not fair. NO! She should pay. Why can't she feel the pain? Why can't she pay for everything she's done?"Kendall hollered aimlessly inside the safety of the stairwell. Sinking down the wall, sobs racked through her body. An image of Spike staring at her, dazed and confused flashed in Kendall's mind. _He can't hear. He can't hear because of her. Because of her mistake. _"It's not supposed to be this way..."Kendall cried. _Zach doesn't get it. Sure, he hates her, too. But then he blames me for never leaving Spike's side. Ryan's child. Ryan's baby. Not...not his. But I love them both._

Kendall's crying continued until she thought she heard someone enter the stairwell several floors up. Taking a rather large breath, she pushed herself off of the ground, smoothing her clothes. _I'll be okay. _Kendall thought, wiping furiously at her cheeks. "Spike's going to hear. I don't know how..."Kendall whispered to herself, staying inside the stairwell until she was composed. "...but he will. My baby won't pay for what Greenlee did in trying to take him...no, I won't allow it..."Kendall continued, shaking her head. As she heard the footsteps that had come disappear further up, she heard another door closer open, and she knew she should go. _She'll pay...-_Kendall swore silently.

As Kendall left to tend to Ian, Greenlee caught a glimpse of what she looked like-the expression on her face as she opened the door. While Greenlee's intentions upon coming to the hospital might have been to try and talk to her, it was clear then that she wouldn't have a chance. At least not for a long while. "What did I do?"Greenlee whispered, the weight of what she had done at long last sinking into her.

Loitering outside of Ian's room, Kendall took another deep breath, knowing that somehow he'd be able to sense the stress. Zach wasn't in the room, so it must have meant he'd gone to see Spike, and realized she wasn't there. Pressing her hand to the glass, Kendall felt a stray tear wander down her cheek. "I love you, Ian...I hope you know that."

Staying several minutes longer, Kendall wanted to be with him-if for nothing but to hold him. Knowing she couldn't, she made her way back to Spike's room feeling somewhat stronger than she had before. While noone knew about her breakdown in the stairs, Kendall knew somehow that it made her better. She was still bruised, afraid and broken. But this time she wasn't going to let anything anyone said get to her. Kendall knew it was better that way.


End file.
